She was doubting me. Every word she didn’t say said it all! She didn’t think I was ready for this. I had come to her for advice and for a good word, but she didn’t think I could hang! She’s part of the “in group”. They know her. They like her. So, I need her to vouch for me, to tell them I can be trusted, to tell them I can produce quality work. But she can’t do it. She won’t do it. She all but said so with that extra breath and sigh between her words– with the reluctant “uh” and the rhetorical sidestep that she hoped I didn’t catch.
“I’d be happy to tell them you’re a nice person.”
I thought I had proven myself. I thought I had performed well in her presence, but her voice oozes with a polite uncertainty.
So, I’m on my own. I’ll have to sell myself. I’ll have to persuade the “in crowd” without her endorsement. I’ll have to prove to them that I’m worthy and capable of being part of their group based entirely on my own merits. Can I do it without the support of someone with higher status and cred?
Hmmm, but then again what was I looking to her for? Did I place too much stock in her worth to begin with–and too little in mine? I was sure that her stamp of approval was what I needed to get in–but is it?
What if her hesitation to endorse me was my own? Her uncertainty in my skills and abilities, her unwillingness to vouch for me… suppose they were all mine? Could I be my own worst enemy?
Here I am thinking she will have my back–but who is she? She of all people knows what I’m capable of, yet she hesitates.
“You know if you go in there they are going to expect you to come with your ‘A’ game,” she says with that sideways glance.
“What? You don’t think I can bring the ‘A’ game?
As I look around to see if she will escort me through the doors of opportunity I realize she is doubting me… and she is me!
Yet, “if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed…nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20)